- Good Looks
- Money
- A Good Job
- More Good Looks
- More Money
Man, no wonder most guys suck with women. Let's flush this list of social stigma down the shitter and make one that's real.
So, in no particular order, my list looks something like this:
Willingness To Take Competent Action
So let's go over these enough that you guys can really start to internalize them and reap the rewards. Firstoff, the willingness to take competent action. What do I mean by that? I mean that too many guys decide to get this part of their life handled, then they read a bunch of ebooks, think that they've got it down, and never take it into the field. They're the keyboard PUAs that lurk on forums and oversaturate themselves with knowledge that they couldn't apply in the field to save their life. They're gaining competency but failing to take action.
The other kind of guy that needs to learn this rule is the guy that takes action but without gaining an understanding of the dynamics of women or attraction. These are the guys that are more willing to approach or talk to women, they're motivated to actually do something, yet they continue to fail because they never learn about what they're doing, and never learn from their mistakes or their rejections. They continue to do the same crap the same way they've always done it even though it's getting shitty results. These guys are taking action, but not taking competent action.
Don't be either of these guys. Learn a little about how this stuff works, go out, and apply it. Keep going until it's been internalized and become a part of you, then go back and learn a little more. Don't oversaturate yourself with knowledge, but don't just blow off the resources out there and jump right into the field. Baby steps. Learn a little, get into the field, wash, rinse, repeat.
Continually Pushing Out Of Your Comfort Zone
The second item on my shopping list is to always be willing to push outside of your comfort zone. I have the belief that all this pickup stuff has nothing to do with women. It's all about you, your beliefs, your outlook. One thing you'll notice when you start to get this stuff together is that it will have a positive impact in many areas of your life. Pickup shouldn't be your life but should be an addition to your life. It will, however, change everything about you, and that's one of the amazing things about it. Learning to be a PUA is the greatest self-help tool or method there is. Dr. Phil, you really wanna help people? Teach them how to get pussy...
Anyways, enough ranting. By always challenging your comfort zone and pushing through it you are doing several things. First you're realizing that most of the limits you've placed on yourself are really self-imposed. You'll eliminate fears and anxieties that exist in other areas of your life by boosting your sense of ability and self-worth (and ultimately, your sense of value, which we'll cover later). You'll learn to enjoy a challenge and be more motivated to accomplish goals. I want you to start stepping out of your comfort zone as soon as possible and as often as possible - no matter how big or small the action. Even if you start by simply changing up your routine - just start doing things differently. Drive a different route to work every day. Learn to write with your non-dominant hand. Start reframing and taking action against things that you worry or are fearful of.
Whether you fear heights, or spiders, or taking a shit in a public bathroom - know that that fear or discomfort isn't telling you you're going to freaking die, it's just saying that there's something happening that you need to know about and be prepared for. Rise to the challenge and expand yourself and your life by testing your limits and breaking through them. Trust me, you'll notice the change in yourself.
I've noticed that most guys that get into this stuff have little success, and ultimately quit. I've also read a statistic that 90 - 95% of people that try some form of self-help give up without change. If anyone reading this attended the Global PUA Summit in Hollywood you may remember me asking one of the speakers about this, and about what seperates that successful 5 - 10% from everyone else, what it is that they have or are doing differently that puts them ahead. My answer? I believe I just covered it by going over those two key things. When it boils down to it, the willingness to take competent action, and the willingness to continually push outside of your comfort zone is what seperates that small percentage from everyone else, the truly successful from the dreamers.
Elimination of Social Conditioning
There's a conspiracy in Hollywood, and it goes something like this: all the bigwigs - the writers, producers, directors, they want all the women in the world for themselves. Their plan? To fill movies and television with stories featuring men that do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what works. The difference, however, is that in the movies they make it work. Man meets woman, man drools over woman, man showers woman with affection and gifts and compliments and niceities (and acts like a needy insecure pussy), and in the end the woman realizes that this man really loves her and she is miraculously won over. Viola, show this junk enough times and men will fall for it and begin to act the part.
In reality there's a lot more to social conditioning then television and movies. The point I'm trying to make is this: in order to truly have a fulfilling dating life you need to change any beliefs that you have that tell you how to act towards women and how to view women in terms of their emotional and sexual behaviors. Let's get a little more in depth.
Most men carry around beliefs that sound something like this: women are golddiggers, you have to prove to women that you can take care of them, you have to win women over with affection and put them on a pedestal, women don't like sex or think about sex, a woman has to be in an emotional relationship in order to have a sexual relationship, women don't lie or cheat, if a woman is attractive she is generally a good person, most women are bitches, etc etc. The list could go on forever.
So now is the time to realize that all of this stuff is BS. Women don't just like sex, they love sex, just as much (if not more) then men. Women don't need a relationship to have sex. Women lie and cheat just as much as men. Women don't want men who seek their approval. They don't want a guy that puts himself out there for her whenever she wants him. She doesn't want a man that showers her with gifts or favors or compliments or anything else. Women don't want a man that bows down to her and kisses her ass.
Women want someone who is a challenge, someone she has to work for, and, ultimately, someone who's value is greater then hers. That brings us to number 4:
Having High Value
This is key. Unless it's under rare and/or ridiculous circumstances (too much tequila, revenge, etc.), a woman will not have sex with a man that she sees as having lower value then herself. Remember that last sentence. Repeat it out loud. Write it on the chalkboard 50 times, Bart Simpson style. Brand it onto your forehead if you have to.
Value is a very broad term. Ask 10 different people to define "value" and you're going to get 10 different definitions. The easiest way to narrow it down to it's easiest explanation is this: You are better then everyone around you, INCLUDING THE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. You are a 10. No one is better or more important then you.
I have a friend who's a natural that was raised by his father to be very self-assured. He had a little phrase that he once told me that summed up his beliefs: "I'm the best there is at four things - reading, writing, fucking, and fighting". Wow. Now both this and the example above may be going a little too far towards assholish arrogance - there's a middle ground between being a weenie (like most men) and being a totally arrogant jerk. You'll find this middle ground eventually, but you'll find it by adapting the attitudes above. And while you go through the process know that being an arrogant jerk is, IMO better then being a weenie.
Having higher value then women is what it all boils down to. All the "techniques" you hear about from guys involved in pickup, they all subcommunicate that you have higher value. These same techniques are things that men that are naturally successful with women (as well as those super confident people, both men and women) do without trying. It's part of them. Make it a part of you.
For example, take the idea of indifference. One big part of pickup is that you are indifferent to the outcome - you want her, and if it happens then cool. If it doesn't happen then there are millions of other women in the world waiting for you. This is a believe that naturals already have in place that basically subcommunicates that you, as a man of value, have options with women. You can walk away and that's fine with you.
Also stuff like cocky/funny, banter, tease to please, etc., this stuff also subcommunicates that you are higher value then her. Think about it - the only time you tease someone and act like a smartass to them is when you assume that you have higher value - this person is there for you to have fun with and bust on and you're going to do so without concern as to if she likes it or not.
Body language is also a factor here. I may do a blog on this in the future, stay tuned...
Ultimately know that you are better then her and more important then her. You have higher value. This works because people are generally, on some level or another, approval seeking. If you give her approval right away then there is no intrigue, there is nothing for her to work for, and you are not attractive to her. If, however, you subcommunicate higher value then she, on an unconscious level, will think that by earning her approval it will in turn raise her value. By earning the approval of someone with higher value she perceives that it adds value to her.
This all culminates to sex. See, a woman trades compliance for a little bit of your approval, your value, and to a woman sex = high compliance. By having sex with her you are giving her a high level of approval, therefore skyrocketing her value. This is why women will NOT have sex with a man that isn't as valuable as her - because she would be GIVING value, lowering hers, and this isn't what women do.
Of course value is also the reason that supplication is bad. Things like generic or insincere compliments (and complimenting when she hasn't earned it), buying her drinks or gifts, doing things for her, showering her with niceness and affection, this is all approval seeking behavior, and by doing these you are trading your value for her approval or attention. This DOESN'T work. You don't want to trade your value for her approval or attention, rather you want to add value to her when she EARNS that value. You want to give her a little bit of your approval and attention as a reward. It's not bad to give a legit compliment or buy a woman drinks, you just have to know when to do it and under what context. Never do anything that lowers your value in order for her approval or attention. This is pickup death and should be penalized by forcing you to hand in your man card. Remember, you are better and more important then her.
Entire books could be written on value and the assumption of higher value, but it all boils down to you, your perceptions and beliefs, and your lifestyle.
Be Positive
I know what you're thinking - "great, he's gonna get all self-help on us". Well stop bitching, that's just the type of negative thinking that you want to eliminate. You need to learn how to be positive, both in your demeanor and in your beliefs. Your thoughts, your self talk, should all be positive. Women don't like negativity, guys who bitch and moan and complain. They don't like guys who walk around depressed and crying like babies.
More importantly, being positive and focus on what you want, rather then being negative and trying to avoid what you don't want, will put you on the path to success. Just this one little shift in thinking can literally change every aspect of your life.
Even if something is bad, know that it's bad because of your perception and interpretation of the event. The event itself is neutral - you are the one that makes it positive or negative. Learn to see the positive in everything. This doesn't mean ignore the negative, but don't focus on it.
This really isn't hard to do - for the next couple of weeks constantly focus on how you see and interpret events, as well as how you see yourself and communicate with yourself, and turn it all into a positive. In just a little time you'll notice that you will begin to see things in this new light automatically, and you'll notice that you are beginning to attract the things that you are positively focusing on.
You attract whatever you focus on, so if you are always thinking negative. For example, if your self-talk looks like this: "Don't be nervous, don't be scared", then all you're going to do is be nervous and scared because that's where your focus is at. Replace that with something positive, whatever it is you want - "Be calm, be cool" is much better. Change your focus and perceptions to a positive in order to get positive results.
Once you can do this, smile, walk with a bounce in your step, and share your positive energy with others. The will mirror this in your interactions and you will literally bring them up and make them feel better about you and being around you.
So there we have it, my five critical attributes. Thanks to the reader who emailed the question on this topic (I'll keep you anonymous). Like I said above, I think my next article will be about body language, so be ready for that. Guys keep sending in your questions and comments, and if you haven't signed up for my mailing list yet, then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? It's completely confidential, no one but me will have your email address.
Until next time
-Dane
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