In my last post I went over a few exercises to help you find and develop your naturally powerful voice. Hopefully you've been doing the breathing and the larynx-repositioning exercises and have already noticed a difference. I have a few more exercises for you that, when combined with the first set and practiced regularly, will put you on the right track. I really dislike typing so let's jump right in...
Vocal Resonance
This is an area that is under debate. Some people think that for speaking, and particularly for speaking to women, the best type of voice to use is one that resonates from your stomach or chest. This is usually a deeper, more "boomy" voice and can come across as "manly". However, much like the big bodybuilders that look like they live in the gym, this is more of an ego thing then it is something that's actually attractive to women.
Don't get me wrong, if you're whispering sweet nothings into a woman's ear then the lower chest voice is good - it can be used to give off a good sexual vibe. However, for speaking in general, and especially in louder environments such as clubs, what you want is a voice that resonates. A resonant voice can really cut through a crowd, and this is much more "alpha" then a deep voice.
Right behind your nasal passage is a hollow area in your head (unfortunately for some of us this is a large hollow area). You want to use this space to amplify your voice. Think of an acoustic guitar and how it uses it's hollow body to amplify it's sound. Same concept. Now, I said that this space is behind your nasal passage, but don't mistake that for nasal speaking. As funny as I think it would be to have you guys trying to talk like Steve Urkel, I don't really think it would do much for your game. Nasal speaking is when you are allowing too much of the air that carries your voice to exit out of your nose rather then your mouth. In fact, if you're speaking properly you should be able to pinch your nose shut as you're talking with very little or just a slight change in your voice.
So how do you direct your voice into this head space?
Grab a pencil, pen, straw, or similar object. For the next few weeks plan on carrying this around with you, it's a powerful tool that will really change your voice. Take your pencil and either hold it directly in front of your lips running the across the front of your face, or actually hold it between your lips. You should be holding it so it runs across the corners of your mouth. I know some people will instinctively want to put it in their mouth longways. This isn't the right way to do it, so if you look like you're trying to give the pencil a blowjob then 1) you're doing it wrong, and 2) you're reading the wrong blog. This one is for tips on getting women.
Back on topic. With the pencil between your lips you're going to breathe in through your nose (remember your diaphragmatic breathing) and as you exhale hum a long "e" sound, like the word "me" or "knee". As you do this you want to focus on making the sound travel above the pencil. It sounds funny but it's pretty easy to get a feel for. If you wish you can jump back and forth, alternating speaking above and speaking below the pencil just to test and see how much of a difference there is. Remember, however, that what you are training is to speak above the pencil so that's where your focus should be.
Once you can feel the difference in speaking above the pencil with your humming sound then practice simply talking and having the voice come out above the pencil. Keep the pencil with you and practice this as much as you can and you'll get it down in no time.
I feel that this is what made the biggest difference in my voice. I used to have a quiet, weak, cracking voice until I learned this technique and practiced it until it became second nature.
Pacing
How fast you talk can really say a lot about you. Fast talkers usually come across as less confident - the fast talking is done in hopes that they can say what they want to say before they are interrupted. This isn't confident thinking. If you talk fast practice slowing down and throwing in a few pauses for dramatic effect. This is something that you really have to focus on in order to make change, but it's really worth it.
Tonality
How is your tonality? Your tone can really say a lot about you and your current state, as well as what you're trying to communicate. Remember the statistic that when you speak only 7% of your communication are the words - the other 93% is body language and tone.
Here's something that really opened my eyes in terms of tonality. Think about your favorite song and how it's sang. Focus on how the singer alters his tone to convey emotion and create "tension" within the song. How would that song be different if that same song was done by someone who barely changed his tone, or worse yet, sang it completely monotone? It would suck. It would be boring. Varying your tone in song creates drama within the song, it creates tension and makes it interesting. It stimulates emotions in ways that the same song done monotone couldn't do. Your voice is no different. If you speak without really varying the tones in your voice to add drama and emotion then chances are your listener is, on some level, much more bored then they should be. Take a monotone guy and give him the best story in the world, and take a guy who really knows how to use his tone to convey emotions and have him talk about picking his nose, and the nosepicker is going to be a lot more interesting simply because he knew how to mix it up with his voice to create drama in the story.
This is something that largely comes with time and experimentation. Really listen to people who are good storytellers. Take note of what they're doing to stimulate the listener. Another good place to listen is to newscasters, especially some of the more well known anchors. Try listening to what they're saying and then repeating it, matching their pace and tone.
A Few Tips...
Hydration. This is especially important if you're going to be going into loud venues. Put your hands together in front of you and rub them together. Nothing painful or bad about that, right? Now imagine doing it all day. Not too comfortable now, eh? This is how your vocal cords feel. You want to keep them well hydrated by drinking plenty of water, especially in the 24 hours before you plan on really using your voice. Contrary to popular belief, drinking water 20 minutes beforehand doesn't do much. Ever had a dry throat and hoarse voice so you take a swig of water? Did it help? Maybe a little, but for the most part it didn't do much. When you drink that water is going to your stomach and doesn't even touch your vocal cords. The moisture that protects your vocal cords comes from what you've been putting in your system the hours beforehand. Also, if you are dehydrated your body takes water away from the less critical areas (such as your vocal cords) in order to redistribute it to more critical areas of your body. Things like pop, tea, energy drinks, and alcohol help dehydrate you, so don't count on the water content of these to help lubricate your cords.
Lastly, warm up before engagements where you know you'll be speaking, especially where you run the risk of straining your voice. Practice speaking above the pencil and moving your larynx in the right position, and do some humming to get your cords nice and warmed up.
There are a lot of programs and books out there to help out in this area. Most of them really say the same things from different perspectives. These, however, are what I believe to be the best and most beneficial tips and exercises to help you find your voice. Alright, it's bedtime. I hope this article has really helped. Don't forget to sign up for my mailing list.
Until next time...
-Dane
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Be Heard! Developing Your Alpha Voice
As some of you can see I've changed the site to a blog format. It's much easier to work with and looks cleaner.
If you haven't signed up for my mailing list then what the hell are you waiting for? I changed the service I use for my mailing list so even if you were previously signed up please do so again, as the new company will NOT allow me to transfer my old list.
Alright, let's get on to the meat-and-potatoes. There are a few key fundamentals that I think everyone should work on when it comes to improving yourself to make yourself more attractive. Things like body language, eye contact, fashion, vocal quality, this is stuff that can really improve your game. Hell, the typical douchebag (or AFC as known in the "community") can do nothing more then work on these basic qualities and make dramatic improvements.
Running rampant online are articles that tell you how to move, how to walk, how to dress, etc. However, one thing I've noticed a shortage of is a resource to help you develop a strong, loud, resonant voice. Well look no farther.
Developing an all-around good voice isn't really hard, it's simply a matter of learning how to speak the right way and practicing it until it happens naturally.
School is in session.
The best place to begin is with your breathing, and getting it down is your first step.
Stand up with your arms down at your sides. Slowly inhale, paying attention to your shoulders as you do. Did they move? Most likely they did. When you're using your chest and shoulders this is called accessory breathing, and it's a habit you need to break. The natural way that people are intended to breathe is called diaphragmatic breathing. Unless you hit your head a lot when you were a kid you've probably figured out that this type of breathing uses your diaphragm to draw air into your lungs.
So let's try another exercise.
Diaphragmatic Breathing
The easiest way to do this is to lie on your back, so get your ass on the floor. Great. Now put one hand on your stomach in the area of your belly button, and the other hand on your chest. Your focus here is to inhale slowly through your nose (I'll explain why later) for approx. 6-8 seconds, making the hand on your stomach rise but making sure that your hand on your chest is motionless - remember, you don't want to use your chest to breathe. Hold this breath for a few seconds, then relax your diaphragm as you slowly exhale, again for 6-8 seconds. The breath out doesn't really have to be forced, as the diaphragm will naturally push air out as it returns to it's relaxed state.
Not only do you want to repeat this several times, but you should also practice breathing like this throughout the day. Just by focusing on what muscles you are using to breathe you can "retrain" your body to naturally use those muscles. The best part is you can really do this anywhere - in the car, in class, at work...you get the point.
The purpose of breathing through your nose is that your nose filters the air and keeps it moist, where breathing through your mouth can typically dry out your throat.
At the risk of complicating things, I'm going to go ahead and throw in a little information for you future American Idol contestants. If you're a singer you want to breathe just as I've described above, but you're going to take it one step farther: when you inhale you are not only going to expand your stomach/diaphragm but also your sides and lower back. The easiest way to do this is to image that there is a balloon in your stomach that you are inflating with each inhalation. For more on this I really recommend seeking professional lessons or buying some singing instructionals online.
Larynx Exercises
Great, you're working on your breathing. Next we're going to do a few exercises that will teach your larynx to go into the proper position while you speak.
These may seem odd, but then again so does memorizing scripts and games to try to get pussy, isn't it? These exercises work, practice them daily or better yet several times throughout the day.
Think about how Yogi Bear or Rocky Balboa talk. You're going to emulate their speaking style saying the word "mum". When you do this your voice should not only be deep but should also kinda make that sound like when you have a cold and your nose is stuffed. Try this a few times and you'll get it.
Now, in your deep "Yogi Bear with a cold" voice you're going to sing the song "Happy Birthday", but replace all the words with "mum". As you do this remember to take in a breath through your nose using your diaphragmatic breathing, and make sure that your diaphragm is moving IN as you say each "mum", so that you are exhaling - too often people hold their breath when they talk. Big mistake.
The second larynx exercise is similar to the first, except this time you're going to replace the word "mum" with the word "no". Also you can change the song if you want, but don't pick anything too fast or crazy. You may be an old-school Metallica fan, but save this shit for when you're working out. Children's songs work good for these larynx exercises. I suppose that if Metallica happens to redo children's songs then this would be a loophole.
Practice these three exercises as much as you can throughout the day, and before long your breathing will naturally become diaphragmatic and your larynx will develop the "memory" to stay in the proper position when you speak.
On Saturday I'll post part 2, which will cover one of the most debated pieces of vocal mastery - voice resonance, as well as pacing and vocal tonality. The section on resonance alone will be worth the read.
Don't forget to sign up for my mailing list to receive instant notification of updates! Until Saturday....
-Dane
If you haven't signed up for my mailing list then what the hell are you waiting for? I changed the service I use for my mailing list so even if you were previously signed up please do so again, as the new company will NOT allow me to transfer my old list.
Alright, let's get on to the meat-and-potatoes. There are a few key fundamentals that I think everyone should work on when it comes to improving yourself to make yourself more attractive. Things like body language, eye contact, fashion, vocal quality, this is stuff that can really improve your game. Hell, the typical douchebag (or AFC as known in the "community") can do nothing more then work on these basic qualities and make dramatic improvements.
Running rampant online are articles that tell you how to move, how to walk, how to dress, etc. However, one thing I've noticed a shortage of is a resource to help you develop a strong, loud, resonant voice. Well look no farther.
Developing an all-around good voice isn't really hard, it's simply a matter of learning how to speak the right way and practicing it until it happens naturally.
School is in session.
The best place to begin is with your breathing, and getting it down is your first step.
Stand up with your arms down at your sides. Slowly inhale, paying attention to your shoulders as you do. Did they move? Most likely they did. When you're using your chest and shoulders this is called accessory breathing, and it's a habit you need to break. The natural way that people are intended to breathe is called diaphragmatic breathing. Unless you hit your head a lot when you were a kid you've probably figured out that this type of breathing uses your diaphragm to draw air into your lungs.
So let's try another exercise.
Diaphragmatic Breathing
The easiest way to do this is to lie on your back, so get your ass on the floor. Great. Now put one hand on your stomach in the area of your belly button, and the other hand on your chest. Your focus here is to inhale slowly through your nose (I'll explain why later) for approx. 6-8 seconds, making the hand on your stomach rise but making sure that your hand on your chest is motionless - remember, you don't want to use your chest to breathe. Hold this breath for a few seconds, then relax your diaphragm as you slowly exhale, again for 6-8 seconds. The breath out doesn't really have to be forced, as the diaphragm will naturally push air out as it returns to it's relaxed state.
Not only do you want to repeat this several times, but you should also practice breathing like this throughout the day. Just by focusing on what muscles you are using to breathe you can "retrain" your body to naturally use those muscles. The best part is you can really do this anywhere - in the car, in class, at work...you get the point.
The purpose of breathing through your nose is that your nose filters the air and keeps it moist, where breathing through your mouth can typically dry out your throat.
At the risk of complicating things, I'm going to go ahead and throw in a little information for you future American Idol contestants. If you're a singer you want to breathe just as I've described above, but you're going to take it one step farther: when you inhale you are not only going to expand your stomach/diaphragm but also your sides and lower back. The easiest way to do this is to image that there is a balloon in your stomach that you are inflating with each inhalation. For more on this I really recommend seeking professional lessons or buying some singing instructionals online.
Larynx Exercises
Great, you're working on your breathing. Next we're going to do a few exercises that will teach your larynx to go into the proper position while you speak.
These may seem odd, but then again so does memorizing scripts and games to try to get pussy, isn't it? These exercises work, practice them daily or better yet several times throughout the day.
Think about how Yogi Bear or Rocky Balboa talk. You're going to emulate their speaking style saying the word "mum". When you do this your voice should not only be deep but should also kinda make that sound like when you have a cold and your nose is stuffed. Try this a few times and you'll get it.
Now, in your deep "Yogi Bear with a cold" voice you're going to sing the song "Happy Birthday", but replace all the words with "mum". As you do this remember to take in a breath through your nose using your diaphragmatic breathing, and make sure that your diaphragm is moving IN as you say each "mum", so that you are exhaling - too often people hold their breath when they talk. Big mistake.
The second larynx exercise is similar to the first, except this time you're going to replace the word "mum" with the word "no". Also you can change the song if you want, but don't pick anything too fast or crazy. You may be an old-school Metallica fan, but save this shit for when you're working out. Children's songs work good for these larynx exercises. I suppose that if Metallica happens to redo children's songs then this would be a loophole.
Practice these three exercises as much as you can throughout the day, and before long your breathing will naturally become diaphragmatic and your larynx will develop the "memory" to stay in the proper position when you speak.
On Saturday I'll post part 2, which will cover one of the most debated pieces of vocal mastery - voice resonance, as well as pacing and vocal tonality. The section on resonance alone will be worth the read.
Don't forget to sign up for my mailing list to receive instant notification of updates! Until Saturday....
-Dane
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The 5 Critical Attributes - Originally posted Nov. 2007
I recently received an email asking my opinion on the top 5 attributes that someone should have in order to be highly successful with women. In preparation to write this (and for the sake of a good laugh) I asked a couple "average" guys this question. The answers looked something like this:
- Good Looks
- Money
- A Good Job
- More Good Looks
- More Money
Man, no wonder most guys suck with women. Let's flush this list of social stigma down the shitter and make one that's real.
So, in no particular order, my list looks something like this:
Willingness To Take Competent Action
So let's go over these enough that you guys can really start to internalize them and reap the rewards. Firstoff, the willingness to take competent action. What do I mean by that? I mean that too many guys decide to get this part of their life handled, then they read a bunch of ebooks, think that they've got it down, and never take it into the field. They're the keyboard PUAs that lurk on forums and oversaturate themselves with knowledge that they couldn't apply in the field to save their life. They're gaining competency but failing to take action.
The other kind of guy that needs to learn this rule is the guy that takes action but without gaining an understanding of the dynamics of women or attraction. These are the guys that are more willing to approach or talk to women, they're motivated to actually do something, yet they continue to fail because they never learn about what they're doing, and never learn from their mistakes or their rejections. They continue to do the same crap the same way they've always done it even though it's getting shitty results. These guys are taking action, but not taking competent action.
Don't be either of these guys. Learn a little about how this stuff works, go out, and apply it. Keep going until it's been internalized and become a part of you, then go back and learn a little more. Don't oversaturate yourself with knowledge, but don't just blow off the resources out there and jump right into the field. Baby steps. Learn a little, get into the field, wash, rinse, repeat.
Continually Pushing Out Of Your Comfort Zone
The second item on my shopping list is to always be willing to push outside of your comfort zone. I have the belief that all this pickup stuff has nothing to do with women. It's all about you, your beliefs, your outlook. One thing you'll notice when you start to get this stuff together is that it will have a positive impact in many areas of your life. Pickup shouldn't be your life but should be an addition to your life. It will, however, change everything about you, and that's one of the amazing things about it. Learning to be a PUA is the greatest self-help tool or method there is. Dr. Phil, you really wanna help people? Teach them how to get pussy...
Anyways, enough ranting. By always challenging your comfort zone and pushing through it you are doing several things. First you're realizing that most of the limits you've placed on yourself are really self-imposed. You'll eliminate fears and anxieties that exist in other areas of your life by boosting your sense of ability and self-worth (and ultimately, your sense of value, which we'll cover later). You'll learn to enjoy a challenge and be more motivated to accomplish goals. I want you to start stepping out of your comfort zone as soon as possible and as often as possible - no matter how big or small the action. Even if you start by simply changing up your routine - just start doing things differently. Drive a different route to work every day. Learn to write with your non-dominant hand. Start reframing and taking action against things that you worry or are fearful of.
Whether you fear heights, or spiders, or taking a shit in a public bathroom - know that that fear or discomfort isn't telling you you're going to freaking die, it's just saying that there's something happening that you need to know about and be prepared for. Rise to the challenge and expand yourself and your life by testing your limits and breaking through them. Trust me, you'll notice the change in yourself.
I've noticed that most guys that get into this stuff have little success, and ultimately quit. I've also read a statistic that 90 - 95% of people that try some form of self-help give up without change. If anyone reading this attended the Global PUA Summit in Hollywood you may remember me asking one of the speakers about this, and about what seperates that successful 5 - 10% from everyone else, what it is that they have or are doing differently that puts them ahead. My answer? I believe I just covered it by going over those two key things. When it boils down to it, the willingness to take competent action, and the willingness to continually push outside of your comfort zone is what seperates that small percentage from everyone else, the truly successful from the dreamers.
Elimination of Social Conditioning
There's a conspiracy in Hollywood, and it goes something like this: all the bigwigs - the writers, producers, directors, they want all the women in the world for themselves. Their plan? To fill movies and television with stories featuring men that do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what works. The difference, however, is that in the movies they make it work. Man meets woman, man drools over woman, man showers woman with affection and gifts and compliments and niceities (and acts like a needy insecure pussy), and in the end the woman realizes that this man really loves her and she is miraculously won over. Viola, show this junk enough times and men will fall for it and begin to act the part.
In reality there's a lot more to social conditioning then television and movies. The point I'm trying to make is this: in order to truly have a fulfilling dating life you need to change any beliefs that you have that tell you how to act towards women and how to view women in terms of their emotional and sexual behaviors. Let's get a little more in depth.
Most men carry around beliefs that sound something like this: women are golddiggers, you have to prove to women that you can take care of them, you have to win women over with affection and put them on a pedestal, women don't like sex or think about sex, a woman has to be in an emotional relationship in order to have a sexual relationship, women don't lie or cheat, if a woman is attractive she is generally a good person, most women are bitches, etc etc. The list could go on forever.
So now is the time to realize that all of this stuff is BS. Women don't just like sex, they love sex, just as much (if not more) then men. Women don't need a relationship to have sex. Women lie and cheat just as much as men. Women don't want men who seek their approval. They don't want a guy that puts himself out there for her whenever she wants him. She doesn't want a man that showers her with gifts or favors or compliments or anything else. Women don't want a man that bows down to her and kisses her ass.
Women want someone who is a challenge, someone she has to work for, and, ultimately, someone who's value is greater then hers. That brings us to number 4:
Having High Value
This is key. Unless it's under rare and/or ridiculous circumstances (too much tequila, revenge, etc.), a woman will not have sex with a man that she sees as having lower value then herself. Remember that last sentence. Repeat it out loud. Write it on the chalkboard 50 times, Bart Simpson style. Brand it onto your forehead if you have to.
Value is a very broad term. Ask 10 different people to define "value" and you're going to get 10 different definitions. The easiest way to narrow it down to it's easiest explanation is this: You are better then everyone around you, INCLUDING THE ATTRACTIVE WOMEN. You are a 10. No one is better or more important then you.
I have a friend who's a natural that was raised by his father to be very self-assured. He had a little phrase that he once told me that summed up his beliefs: "I'm the best there is at four things - reading, writing, fucking, and fighting". Wow. Now both this and the example above may be going a little too far towards assholish arrogance - there's a middle ground between being a weenie (like most men) and being a totally arrogant jerk. You'll find this middle ground eventually, but you'll find it by adapting the attitudes above. And while you go through the process know that being an arrogant jerk is, IMO better then being a weenie.
Having higher value then women is what it all boils down to. All the "techniques" you hear about from guys involved in pickup, they all subcommunicate that you have higher value. These same techniques are things that men that are naturally successful with women (as well as those super confident people, both men and women) do without trying. It's part of them. Make it a part of you.
For example, take the idea of indifference. One big part of pickup is that you are indifferent to the outcome - you want her, and if it happens then cool. If it doesn't happen then there are millions of other women in the world waiting for you. This is a believe that naturals already have in place that basically subcommunicates that you, as a man of value, have options with women. You can walk away and that's fine with you.
Also stuff like cocky/funny, banter, tease to please, etc., this stuff also subcommunicates that you are higher value then her. Think about it - the only time you tease someone and act like a smartass to them is when you assume that you have higher value - this person is there for you to have fun with and bust on and you're going to do so without concern as to if she likes it or not.
Body language is also a factor here. I may do a blog on this in the future, stay tuned...
Ultimately know that you are better then her and more important then her. You have higher value. This works because people are generally, on some level or another, approval seeking. If you give her approval right away then there is no intrigue, there is nothing for her to work for, and you are not attractive to her. If, however, you subcommunicate higher value then she, on an unconscious level, will think that by earning her approval it will in turn raise her value. By earning the approval of someone with higher value she perceives that it adds value to her.
This all culminates to sex. See, a woman trades compliance for a little bit of your approval, your value, and to a woman sex = high compliance. By having sex with her you are giving her a high level of approval, therefore skyrocketing her value. This is why women will NOT have sex with a man that isn't as valuable as her - because she would be GIVING value, lowering hers, and this isn't what women do.
Of course value is also the reason that supplication is bad. Things like generic or insincere compliments (and complimenting when she hasn't earned it), buying her drinks or gifts, doing things for her, showering her with niceness and affection, this is all approval seeking behavior, and by doing these you are trading your value for her approval or attention. This DOESN'T work. You don't want to trade your value for her approval or attention, rather you want to add value to her when she EARNS that value. You want to give her a little bit of your approval and attention as a reward. It's not bad to give a legit compliment or buy a woman drinks, you just have to know when to do it and under what context. Never do anything that lowers your value in order for her approval or attention. This is pickup death and should be penalized by forcing you to hand in your man card. Remember, you are better and more important then her.
Entire books could be written on value and the assumption of higher value, but it all boils down to you, your perceptions and beliefs, and your lifestyle.
Be Positive
I know what you're thinking - "great, he's gonna get all self-help on us". Well stop bitching, that's just the type of negative thinking that you want to eliminate. You need to learn how to be positive, both in your demeanor and in your beliefs. Your thoughts, your self talk, should all be positive. Women don't like negativity, guys who bitch and moan and complain. They don't like guys who walk around depressed and crying like babies.
More importantly, being positive and focus on what you want, rather then being negative and trying to avoid what you don't want, will put you on the path to success. Just this one little shift in thinking can literally change every aspect of your life.
Even if something is bad, know that it's bad because of your perception and interpretation of the event. The event itself is neutral - you are the one that makes it positive or negative. Learn to see the positive in everything. This doesn't mean ignore the negative, but don't focus on it.
This really isn't hard to do - for the next couple of weeks constantly focus on how you see and interpret events, as well as how you see yourself and communicate with yourself, and turn it all into a positive. In just a little time you'll notice that you will begin to see things in this new light automatically, and you'll notice that you are beginning to attract the things that you are positively focusing on.
You attract whatever you focus on, so if you are always thinking negative. For example, if your self-talk looks like this: "Don't be nervous, don't be scared", then all you're going to do is be nervous and scared because that's where your focus is at. Replace that with something positive, whatever it is you want - "Be calm, be cool" is much better. Change your focus and perceptions to a positive in order to get positive results.
Once you can do this, smile, walk with a bounce in your step, and share your positive energy with others. The will mirror this in your interactions and you will literally bring them up and make them feel better about you and being around you.
So there we have it, my five critical attributes. Thanks to the reader who emailed the question on this topic (I'll keep you anonymous). Like I said above, I think my next article will be about body language, so be ready for that. Guys keep sending in your questions and comments, and if you haven't signed up for my mailing list yet, then WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WAITING FOR??? It's completely confidential, no one but me will have your email address.
Until next time
-Dane
Rejection - Originally posted Sep.2007
To anyone new to the world of pickup, I'd like you to meet one of your new best friends. Rejection. I know what you're thinking - "Dane's on crack". And you're right. I just hit some rock a few minutes ago. Joking. Most guys fear approaching women for biological reasons. I'm not going to go into it much here, but thousands of years ago rejection meant possibly never bearing offspring, or even death. The fear of rejection is a survival mechanism, an automatic response that we as men no longer need. Unfortunately evolution is a slow process, and has not yet rid us of it.
Is the fact that you get that feeling when even considering approaching a woman really a bad thing? Yes and no. It's bad because it stops most men from meeting or talking to the women they desire, and makes them so nervous when they do that they usually blow it. However, it's good because overcoming approach anxiety gives you a challenge, a chance to expand yourself and break through what you believe to be your limits, and when you do this, when you step outside of your comfort zone, the payoff can be huge.
We've all seen and experienced it before: you see an attractive woman, talk to her, and decide to go for it. You ask for her number, and suddenly your interaction comes to a screeching halt - you get the dreaded "I have a boyfriend". Worse yet she doesn't even give you a reason, instead she sighs, tilts her head, gives that little smile, and just says "I'm sorry....” Suddenly you feel yourself shrinking. You're getting smaller and smaller, everything around you is growing. You feel your balls disappearing. People are pointing and laughing at you.
Yeah right. Snap out of it douchebag. If you aren't willing to face scenarios like this every day then forget about being good with women - just go ahead and click on the little red X in the upper right corner as you recite the following: "I'm a wiener. I'd rather date my fist the rest of my life then face an irrational fear".
Good, you're still here. Rejection and approach anxiety go hand-in-hand. If you have approach anxiety and it's having a negative effect on your game then check back for an upcoming post highlighting a proven step-by-step method to get over it. As for rejection, there are two really powerful ways to handle it, both of which should be utilized. The first is to simply experience it. Expose yourself to it. The other is to reframe it. Change your interpretation of rejection and you change the impact that rejection has.
Think about this: when a woman rejects you, what do you automatically assume? Most likely you assume that she rejected you for some flaw of yours. Maybe she didn't like your approach. Maybe it was your "I-let-my-mom-dress-me" sense of fashion. Maybe she thinks you look like Sloth from The Goonies. Whatever. Or even worse, maybe there's one little thing about yourself that you're self-concious about, and you always resort back to that thing as your reason for being shot down. Horrible mentality to have.
But what if she really does have a boyfriend that she's committed to? What if she's a hardcore lesbian and not at all interested in guys? What if she has some crazy disease and doesn't wish to infect you? Or what if she's just too blind or stupid to see a golden opportunity when it's right in front of her, much like the one you presented her with? Hey wait, maybe SHE'S the one who blew it here. After all, you're a good guy, hell a woman would be lucky to be with you, right?
The other way to look at rejection is like this: BEING REJECTED IS NOT FAILURE. FAILURE IS ALLOWING THAT REJECTION TO STOP YOU FROM PROGRESSING. You see, the only time that failure is TRULY failure is when it keeps you down. Any other time it's simply a learning opportunity. Think about how many shots even the best basketball players miss in practice, or how many passes that even the best quarterbacks DON'T complete. Where would professional sports be if these athletes adopted the same mentality on rejection as men carry with women and applied it to what they do - there would be no sports. These guys miss and miss often. The difference is that they don't let it get to them - they wait for the opportunity to take another shot and they go for it.
Is the fact that you get that feeling when even considering approaching a woman really a bad thing? Yes and no. It's bad because it stops most men from meeting or talking to the women they desire, and makes them so nervous when they do that they usually blow it. However, it's good because overcoming approach anxiety gives you a challenge, a chance to expand yourself and break through what you believe to be your limits, and when you do this, when you step outside of your comfort zone, the payoff can be huge.
We've all seen and experienced it before: you see an attractive woman, talk to her, and decide to go for it. You ask for her number, and suddenly your interaction comes to a screeching halt - you get the dreaded "I have a boyfriend". Worse yet she doesn't even give you a reason, instead she sighs, tilts her head, gives that little smile, and just says "I'm sorry....” Suddenly you feel yourself shrinking. You're getting smaller and smaller, everything around you is growing. You feel your balls disappearing. People are pointing and laughing at you.
Yeah right. Snap out of it douchebag. If you aren't willing to face scenarios like this every day then forget about being good with women - just go ahead and click on the little red X in the upper right corner as you recite the following: "I'm a wiener. I'd rather date my fist the rest of my life then face an irrational fear".
Good, you're still here. Rejection and approach anxiety go hand-in-hand. If you have approach anxiety and it's having a negative effect on your game then check back for an upcoming post highlighting a proven step-by-step method to get over it. As for rejection, there are two really powerful ways to handle it, both of which should be utilized. The first is to simply experience it. Expose yourself to it. The other is to reframe it. Change your interpretation of rejection and you change the impact that rejection has.
Think about this: when a woman rejects you, what do you automatically assume? Most likely you assume that she rejected you for some flaw of yours. Maybe she didn't like your approach. Maybe it was your "I-let-my-mom-dress-me" sense of fashion. Maybe she thinks you look like Sloth from The Goonies. Whatever. Or even worse, maybe there's one little thing about yourself that you're self-concious about, and you always resort back to that thing as your reason for being shot down. Horrible mentality to have.
But what if she really does have a boyfriend that she's committed to? What if she's a hardcore lesbian and not at all interested in guys? What if she has some crazy disease and doesn't wish to infect you? Or what if she's just too blind or stupid to see a golden opportunity when it's right in front of her, much like the one you presented her with? Hey wait, maybe SHE'S the one who blew it here. After all, you're a good guy, hell a woman would be lucky to be with you, right?
The other way to look at rejection is like this: BEING REJECTED IS NOT FAILURE. FAILURE IS ALLOWING THAT REJECTION TO STOP YOU FROM PROGRESSING. You see, the only time that failure is TRULY failure is when it keeps you down. Any other time it's simply a learning opportunity. Think about how many shots even the best basketball players miss in practice, or how many passes that even the best quarterbacks DON'T complete. Where would professional sports be if these athletes adopted the same mentality on rejection as men carry with women and applied it to what they do - there would be no sports. These guys miss and miss often. The difference is that they don't let it get to them - they wait for the opportunity to take another shot and they go for it.
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